A quest to make sense of it all. Or a sense to make a quest of it all.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Goodbye, horses.

Last night, after a particularly stressful weekend, I had a series of dreams that left me baffled. They weren't all bad dreams, in fact, only the first was unpleasant. Just very different from any I've had before. Unfamiliar symbols, unfamiliar feelings, etc. I've always dreamed vividly, and my dreams have always had more than a touch of prophetic value, which I've successfully tuned out over the last couple years as my faith has taken blow after blow. I don't know if anyone receives signs in dreams from an outside force anymore. Usually I think what we consider prophecy is no more than tapping into areas not frequented by your waking mind. The brain sorts out information at night, kinda cleans house. Maybe the revelations we find in dreams are just...the little janitor in there is sweeping into darker corners and pushing forgotten stuff out into the light.

Or maybe sometimes the Universe throws us a bone when we need it.

Now, I had a pleasant evening last night after dinner. I went to Brett's and we watched an absolutely ridiculous movie, and talked into the wee hours. I went home feeling much better than I had when I arrived. I walked into my room, changed into my pj's, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and crawled into bed, mentally and physically exhausted. I had been lying there for a few minutes when I was suddenly accosted by the Hag. I haven't seen her in some time, but I knew what was going on, so I didn't get scared. I just focused on flexing my fingers and toes until I found I could move my legs and sit up. I laid back down, and it happened again. Three times, she showed up, the last time so violently that I thought I felt the bed move and thought Clarice had jumped up and maybe slid back off. Anyway, that was it as far as the Hag last night, and I mercifully fell into real sleep, where I saw this:

Yeah. My brain has been astral projecting and hanging out with Lisa Franks.

I dreamed that I was trying to shoe this horse, in the middle of a terrible night-time storm. There was no rain, but there was constant lightning, lighting up the sky in brilliant blues and purples. The horse was bucking and trying to break free. I don't think he was so much pissed at me as he was scared of the lightning. It was a brown horse. I finally got him shod and led him inside the barn. Then the storm was over and I was in a restaurant with friends I've never met in real life, except one. The only person I recognized was the last person I saw before I went home. Maybe they were his friends. I ordered calamari. The rest of the dream...and hang on, because this is about to get all Raising Arizona...was a mishmash of happy montage and home video, like I was old and watching taped segments of a life that hasn't been lived yet. I'm not going to go into detail about what I saw (just believe that the detail was incredible), but everything about it felt real and warm, and I couldn't wait to be the old lady looking back over all the happy memories. I saw myself in my 30's holding the babies I haven't had yet, I saw the husband I haven't married yet, I saw my own parents, increasingly older and older but still healthy. I've gotta say, it's the only dream I've ever had where I wanted it all to come true.
Some googling has provided me with this:

To see a horse in your dream, symbolizes strength, power, endurance, virility and sexual prowess. It also represents a strong, physical energy. You need to tame the wild forces within.

If you dream that you are horse shoeing, your success is assured. For a woman, this dream means a good and faithful husband.

I'm not sure how those conclusions are arrived at, but I'll allow them.

Some huge changes have occurred/are occurring in my life recently. New people are coming in and people I've known a long time are being asked to leave. Although there are some changes that are utterly breaking my heart, I'm accepting them and even welcoming them as being in my best interest. Loving someone doesn't make them good for you. Habits and people that have hurt me for years are being kicked out and I'm scared to death of what my life looks like without them, but I know that whatever comes, it's got to be better than it's been. I've been examining my faith more closely than I have in a really, really long time and I'm finding that it's still there. It's about believing in what you haven't seen yet, and trusting it. These changes have been coming for months...years, in some cases.

I'm not angry with anyone. I'm forgiving. But I'm not forgetting, because I can't. That doesn't mean I'm holding a grudge. It just means that some people won't have access to me or my life anymore, and that's all there is to it. Maybe all there was to last night's dreams was hoping to see my future like that. Maybe I was actually allowed a sneak preview so I know I've got good stuff coming as long as I trust the decisions I'm making and stay the course.

I don't know. Maybe it was Utah.


Anonymous said...

Lisa Frank, homes.

Also, I for serious just finished trolling the interwebs for Lisa Frank tattoos.

Cool dream.

sarah saint said...

Frank. Not Franks. Got it.

Sorry, I'm from Hardin County, where if you're not sure about a name, you just tack an "s" on the end. And get a little offended if the owner of the name corrects you.

Anonymous said...

Haha! True. Except with my name.