A quest to make sense of it all. Or a sense to make a quest of it all.

Monday, June 13, 2011


I wouldn't necessarily call it a funk. I've just had a lot on my mind lately, trying to make some really tough decisions and mentally map out where each decision might take me. I can't shake the feeling that I'm hurtling toward a dead end no matter what I do. But I guess a lot of people in my position feel that way. I've been doing one thing long enough that it's basically the only thing I can do until I get more schoolin'. My alternatives without further education are not good. Even if I stay in this business, I'm pretty much hanging from the highest rung I can climb without official initials after my name. And it's not like I haven't been wanting to go back to school. I've just kept allowing obstacles to stop me, rather than suck it up and climb over them. One of those obstacles is my pride. It's convinced me a couple times over the last couple years to move out and get my own place, even though the education-hungry part of my brain shouted "Bad Idea!!". I make enough to comfortably live on my own, sure. But not comfortably live on my own and pay the remainder of an unpaid tuition in time to enroll for spring semester. I thought I could deal with that when I got the place on Maple Rd a few months ago.

I was wrong.

My pride's taken a lot of blows over the last year, almost all of them as a result of my own lack of critical thinking. So I figure it can take this blow, too, since deep down I know that it's really for the best. Living on my own comfortably in Corinth is not a good option when I step back and see that that's likely where I'll stay. I can see how I could let this semester and that semester pass, faster and faster, until education is no longer a priority because I've...settled. Settled for less than what I'm capable of, and certainly less than what would make me happy.

Back to Polk St.

So I've been pretty quiet lately. My conversations have all been superficial, and I've only read light things, and I've watched a lot more tv than usual. A lot of people would say those are symptoms of depression, but I'm not depressed. A little blue, but not depressed. I've just needed to take a few days to enter some new information, monkey around with my hard drive, and finally reboot with a new purpose.

I can't hit the ground running. This is an issue of patience and diligence, two things I usually run very short on. It's my way to look at a problem, size it up, and start pawing and snapping at it, poking at it, and getting angry at it. I'm always in a rush to fix things. I want to move NOW, I want to go NOW, I want to make up NOW, and why won't you cooperate now that I'm ready??

Once when I was little, my Grandma Charlie said, "Sarah just pushes and pushes until she can't stand it anymore." Very accurate. My way is childish, and rarely works.

So I'm sitting back and learning some patience. There is nothing to push right now. I'm in a period of waiting. This is a positive thing. I will get back in school faster, and in the meantime, I may even finish my novel.

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