A quest to make sense of it all. Or a sense to make a quest of it all.

Friday, April 29, 2011

This post is decidedly tangy.

So the big company picnic is coming up in a couple weeks. We're all looking forward to having a rollicking good time. There will be games, which I'm told are fun. I've never been big on organized physical fun, though. Seriously, look at me. Do I come off as sporty? I'm pale to the point of translucency. I own one pair of running shoes, and they are strictly for running (by myself). I think a person is only dealt so much hand-eye coordination, and roughly 78% of mine is all about page-turning, fork-to-mouth, and nimbly navigating multiple browser windows. I can also chew gum while engaging in two of those activities. Your pick.

Horseshoes? Volleyball? It would seriously behoove all those involved to NOT LET ME PLAY.

Oh, well. At least there's going to be food (outstanding fork-to-mouth aptitude: check!). And I, stepping up in an unprecedented show of generosity and responsibility, have accepted the task of supplying the mustard.

Just mustard? you scoff. Where's the responsibility in that? you sneer. Clearly, you haven't given enough thought to the importance of this noble and irreplacable condiment. Let me enlighten you.

A longass time ago, the Romans mixed up a batch of unfermented grape juice (known as "must") with ground mustard seeds. This mixture was called "burning must", or mustum ardens. Hence, the word mustard. This sassy concotion has been tweaked, added to, deconstructed and reconstituted with so many variable ingredients, there are now thousands of mustards out there, from the ubiquitous yellow table mustard we associate with hot dogs, to the fancypants black olive mustard and Maui onion mustard. I mean, I have a lot of decision-making to do. And then I have to consider pairings, so I have to schedule a consult with the chef and the sommelier soda person... What a horrible faux pas to show up with a savory honey mustard only to find out that the main course is beef (hamburgers) served with tepid Dr. Pepper, and clearly I should have chosen a spicy brown, or perhaps a coarse stone ground.

Someone has to think about these things. That someone is me.

This just in: Kroger has announced a sale on its Private Selection yellow mustard. 4 for $5.

We have a winner.

P.S. I like to offer a lyric or imagined soundtrack to my posts. If only I knew a band who had a Mustardy album.

1 comment:

slugsuit said...

this could make or break you at work.