A quest to make sense of it all. Or a sense to make a quest of it all.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Party on, Wayne.

Creeping out of my mourning and moving into my weekend.

Last night, Brandon and I went to an educational presentation about bats on Shiloh park, where I got to hold several preserved bats. Taxidermy-preserved, not floating-in-formeldahyde. It was good, clean pre-Halloween fun, and it was free. It was excellently presented by Marcus, one of the cooler rangers at Shiloh.

Tonight, I'm going with Brandon, his manfriend, and our buddy Rachel to a haunted house within a haunted house. You read that correctly. Back during the War of Northern Aggression, Col. Fielding Hurst was, according to popular retelling, a bad man who killed lots of people Nero-style and now his house is crazy haunted. In a nutshell. The Hurst Mansion and its cemetary have always been regarded as probably full of spooks and thus always attract tourists around Halloween, but this year the owners are actually staging a full on haunted house to raise money for restoration. Sweet.

Tomorrow night I'm heading to Memphis to see Megan and Co.

Party on, Wayne.

Not veering from this.

"Somebody's Baby" by Jackson Browne is my new favorite song of all time.

In other news, since I'm not gonna hang out in a dragon-guarded castle and give my heart to the knight who rescues me (rescue me from what?...and I have things to do!) and because I like to make things even more difficult for myself, I've decided on my own 21st century version of a "must" list. First guy who:

makes me belly-laugh
makes me think
appreciates my love of horror movies
shows interest in my fiction writing
is really, really into food
doesn't say he can fix my car when he really can't
doesn't get anxious about silence
would probably have relations with Jimmy Page just on principle
can tolerate my penchant for folk and bluegrass
gets really excited about anything geekily paranormal
can be part of a relationship without losing himself
doesn't expect me to lose myself either
references Jackson Browne in ordinary conversation
doesn't wait until conditions are favorable to tell me he's nuts about me
is chill but not patronizing
gets that sometimes i eschew deep in favor of zoning out in front of the tv
gets my humor. this one is huge.
can dig a really well timed high-five
likes to read. this one's huge.
doesn't have a problem with monogamy. (this one is probably the biggest. I'm a one-
man woman. I require a one-woman man. Not up for negotiation.)
can handle unflinching honesty.
will be unflinchingly honest.
will never, ever let me wonder where I stand with him.
will never, ever dress up as an animal in an erotic capacity...

WINS.

And if he's a crazy-good kisser, that helps. You generally know the first time you kiss someone if there's something workable or not. If it's good stuff, you feel like it's making your body blush.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Just got some bad news. I'm going to sit on the porch and chain smoke for awhile.

Mom took Granny to the specialist today. Her remaining kidney is operating at only 6%, down from 15% just a couple weeks ago. He says to be prepared, that it'll be any time now. Dialysis isn't an option, and Granny says she's ready, and has ordered a DNR. We knew this would come, probably this year, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I don't know what to say, so I'm reposting this:

Missed Opportunites and Love of Cake (12-29-09) *

*This is a piece I wrote about my granny's life, from her sad childhood to her complicated marriage. I'm ok with sharing it with those who are interested, but it's close to my heart and now that she's passed, I don't feel comfortable posting it publicly. Send me an e-mail if you'd like to read it. Thanks.

That was uncalled for.

For the first time in months, the Hag made an appearance. About 3AM, it was. I was falling asleep on the couch, on my side, facing the back. I heard her come up behind me, but she was different this time. She kind of shuffled...and then I felt her hand on the back of my neck. My eyes were open and I was struggling to move, and since it had been so long, I didn't immediately recognize what was going on and I was trying to scream. Then I heard her right next to my ear. She's never spoken before, so that totally threw me. She had a rough, black woman's voice, and she was hissing at me, "I'm gonna burn you!". It was very sudden and very loud. That's when I finally got my muscles working and fully woke up. I checked my phone to see what time it was. And went back to sleep, annoyed.

I must have been pretty scared, because Grandma said she had heard something in the living room that sounded like a muffled tea kettle. Which is what I sound like when that happens and I try to scream, I've just never heard it described so accurately. It's pretty creepy. It's only happened once since the divorce, one night when I was staying at the Engineer's house. Hmm.

I blame it on the melatonin, staying up too late, and having been WORKING ON THE OLD HAG STORY right before I went to bed. Kind of a no-brainer. And I'm actually kinda glad she showed up, because it reminded me how scary my story needs to be. The talking...that's new. Glad she shared that.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Oh, and...

Speaking of reviewing last night's texts:

1) __ is still an insufferable perv.But you kinda can't help but like the big lug.
2) Megan is one of the top five funniest people in the entire world. That girl seriously makes me bray with laughter. And Anthony had me in stitches yesterday; his humor is just like his mom's. Exactly. At the circus yesterday, we saw six sheepdogs driving a miniature firetruck. Anthony looked over at me and cackled wildly at the same moment Megan leaned over to me and said "Did you see those dogs fighting for the wheel??"
3) American Aquarium is going to be taking a day off next week...in Tupelo. Aaaaand of course, since BC isn't back on the road until after Christmas, he will not be taking that day off with them. A tragic turn of events that makes me feel like recreating the scene in ED2 where Ash realizes the bridge is out and does that epic "WHY?" bellow next to his car.
4) Every ounce of my being is naysaying relationships at the moment. Good thing I'm so damn good at entertaining myself. Fact is, this year has worn me out, and I'd rather be lonesome than stressing. I still have total faith that the Universe will bring the other half of my own binary star my way. It's just not going to be this quarter, because I wouldn't recognize or want that star even if it tapped me on the shoulder. So Im going to continue not doing any serious dating.

TB...do you happen to remember the beautiful HJ song you penned awhile back? I'm trying to find it.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Hallo-weenie.

So last night I was supposed to go to the Tupelo Underground Horror Film Festival and hang with Gunter, but as I trudged through the front door upon getting home from work, I realized I was absolutely beat. It's been a long week, full of frustrations and miscommunications and new systems to learn, and all I wanted to do was put on my pj's.

So I did.

It was fantastic. I donned my favorite Halloween pajama pants with the little dancing scaredy-cats, and spent the evening reading, watching ghost shows, sipping hot tea, and texting with Megan about educational fare such as Freaky Eaters and Paranormal State. I was asleep by 1130 and I woke up smiling and full of energy. Good thing, since I had to get up and immediately get to work filling bags for this years Grand Illumination. Throughout historic downtown, 12,000 luminary candle bags are placed to honor the 12,000 casualties of the Battle of Corinth. It's Dad's baby, and now it's this big thing. All the downtown shops stay open late, and there are carriage rides and all sorts of goodness. Pretty sweet.

And now I'm heading to Memphis to take Anthony to the circus with Megan.

Back to full speed!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

OH PROUD MARY.

Can you IMAGINE "Tron" on ice???? That would be the greatest ever!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Buffalo?

As a former Buffalonian, it has recently occured to me that I should haul ass back up there. There's not much keeping me here, and I have friends there. I look awesome in winter gear, and I dig the snow. (Ha! Get it?)

Contemplation...number crunching....

...I think this is a really good idea.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Makeover. Making up. Making out!

Well, the first two are true. This blog, which started out as a stupid retelling of weekly events on which several people commented, has turned into a stupid retelling of nothing but my love (or lack thereof) life, on which there are no comments because exactly one person has access until I get the energy to give this place a thorough enough editing to let other people sniff around again. Namely, changing some names and occupations.

That's a run-on sentence that should have its own facebook.

Anyway, as I resurrect this sleepy hag (the blog, not myself) and make up with old friends who should have been around the past year or so and who will soon be re-entering this corner of the blogosphere, there will be significantly fewer posts whining about my lonely heart, my vivacious but judgmental ladythoughts, and the men who done me wrong (or right, but I'm dissatisfied with anything that doesn't use every shred of my energy in obtaining). It'll come together. I'm not gonna promise it'll get any more exciting around here, or any less stupid, but it will be less whiny.

And will probably have more to say about recipes that use zesty, refreshing lemons.

My Lemon Souffle:

1 egg
1 large lemon, zested and juiced
1/4 cup castor sugar or superfine sugar
1 teaspoon cornstarch
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, cubed

3 egg whites
5 tablespoons castor sugar or superfine sugar
3 egg yolks
1 large lemon, zested and juiced
2 tablespoons confectioners' sugar for dusting

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Whisk the egg in a medium saucepan, and mix in the 1 lemon's zest and juice, 1/4 cup sugar and cornstarch. Set over medium heat, and cook stirring constantly until the mixture thickens. Reduce heat to low, and continue whisking for another minute. Remove from the heat and stir in the butter. Divide between four 6 or 8 ounce ramekins. Set aside.
In a medium glass or metal bowl, whip egg whites with an electric mixer. When they are able to hold a soft peak, sprinkle in 1 tablespoon of the sugar, and continue mixing until stiff. Whisk the remaining 4 tablespoons of sugar into the egg yolks along with the zest and juice of the remaining lemon. Fold a couple of spoonfuls of the egg whites into the yolks to lighten them up, then fold in the rest of the whites. Spoon into the ramekins over the lemon curd, and run a finger around the inside of each rim.
Place the ramekins onto a baking sheet, and place in the preheated oven. Bake for 15 to 17 minutes, until puffed and golden brown. Let cool for about 5 minutes before serving.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Yeah, I got something else.

* I hate when bad things happen to my friends and I am unable to do anything to ease their pain. Deaths, divorces, bad breakups, job loss...it's all happened to people I love, and it seems like it's all happened in the last month. I wish I could just...I dont know, hug them and say magic words or something to fix everything. I can't. I love them and I can't. If I could make sure everyone could stay employed or not have to quit school or lose their grandparents or find out their spouses are having affairs or find out the guy who abused them just got out of prison or be protected from a husband who's suddenly violent...my God, what wouldn't I do for my friends if I could? But what can I do?

* Know how I mentioned the nature of love in my last post? I think real love, for a partner or a friend or family member, is just putting their needs before your own. This is something I'm sure good parents can understand...26 year olds? Not so much. But it keeps me visiting my granny even though the nursing home bothers me so bad that I cry all the way home. And it keeps me from taking advantage of emotional vulnerability in people for my own wants. I'm an odd bird...I know that. I see things differently, and I dont think theres much wrong with a teeny bit of selfishness. But there's right and wrong, and the two become clearer as you get older and you just want the best for the people you care about...even if what's best for them isn't you, or isn't you yet...or anymore.

* The diet Pepsi at Taco Bell has that same chalky flavor at every Taco Bell in the United States. What is that???

* I know more about yearning than I ever wanted to.

* Let's have a better time in 2011, ok, Universe? Please?

So much can change in a year, so much has changed in a year.

So it's been a year now since the first days of Luke's and my separation. I have some things to say.

I can:
write, bake, sing (a little), whittle, play viola, groom a poodle, do cartwheels and backbends and roundoffs, file taxes, change a tire, do an oil change, fry chicken, tell you about Roth IRA's, read a map, start a fire, crochet, draw, make from-scratch biscuits without a recipe, identify pottery sherds, use a GPS to map an archeological unit, refund overdraft fees, hold my own in a political debate, tell a joke, walk in stilettos, stay quiet through a whole movie, surrender the remote and not sulk, grow tomatoes, pick out the right melons and avocados, play steering-wheel keyboard, drop it like it's hot, and keep a secret. Among other things.

And really, all I wanna do is share a genuine smile with someone I feel fireworks for.

It may be a long time, because while I feel alive inside again, I'm scared as hell. It's still raw. But there's hope again. I went months without it. I flitted around and flirted and told my friends I was "just fine, hangin' in there", and every second of it was empty. Just existing from one day to the next. It's unbelievable that we give other people so much power over us, and I'm terrified that the next person I love will hurt me like the engineer did. I can say it now: it hurt. I did the worst possible thing I could have by jumping straight into that relationship. I told myself I was over the trauma of the divorce, but I wasn't. Not being in love with Luke didn't change the fact that the person who had been my partner for nearly a decade wasn't there anymore, and I should have grieved properly before looking to Michael. Instead I pushed it down and then when that relationship crashed, I had not one but two traumas to deal with.

This past year has taught me things about faith and restoration and the nature of love itself, and I don't mean just romantic love, but love for yourself and family and for your friends. It would be easy to start waxing (happy rainbow puppies!) platitudes right now, but I'm not going to. Life is real, it's so hard, and the only way I'm going to make it through is by forgiving and loving in spite of the reasons not to. Faith is believing in what you haven't seen yet. My faith is a new baby colt taking its first shaky steps...but it is up and getting around. And it's a quiet, legitimate hope so unlike the frantic fireball of last year's hope I was feeling right before I met MH. It sustains.