A quest to make sense of it all. Or a sense to make a quest of it all.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Speaking of Zelda in Pet Sematary, that role was actually played by a man. Eeeenteresting.

My back is officially the enemy for the next few days. I went ahead and got the rX, so I've stopped this process before the standard shingles-rash will crop up, but the godawful scorched muscle feeling is there with a fury. Imagine lifting a horse (or your mom) using just one muscle in your back, and then having someone poke you repeatedly in that spot with a stick. Then the fun of picking up a Valtrex prescription and stammering out that "it's for shingles" to a blank-faced clerk. It's not the herp, man. I'm just wicked stressed and it's manifesting in my nerve endings. Stop looking at me.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


That's when Granny passed this morning. I held her hand.

Kinda makes everything else I've been fretting about seem pretty GD stupid.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Ran my mouth.

And was handed the responsibility of handling a soundtrack.

I have NOT bitten off more than I can chew.
I have NOT bitten off more than I can chew.
I have NOT bitten off more than I can chew.
I have NOT bitten off more than I can chew.
I have NOT bitten off more than I can chew.

This is a bigger production than I thought it was.

I am not intimidated. I can do this. I have dreamed about doing this. Gunter says he knows I have the talent and now I get to prove myself. Here goes.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

TV On The Radio - Wolf Like Me

I didn't even know this video existed until today! AND. I. LOVE. IT.

Go home, it's over.

Make my blood pump 7-8-9
make my heart beat double time
Now, I'm the only sour cherry on your fruitstand, right?
-The Kills, Sour Cherry

This weekend I have been in Huntsville, Memphis, rage, concern, giddiness, two bars, a butcher shop, a comics haven, and a movie theater. I have been pursued by a man I don't like and a man I do. I have had one conversation with a seemingly apologetic and friendly Engineer. I have not decided how I feel about that.
It's been tiring.

Oh, and filming starts in May and Gunter wants ME to help score investors. Alrighty. He'd better let me assistant-direct. Oh, the disagreements we'll have. It'll be epic and loud and hilarious.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Just sayin'.

Damn, I feel good.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Owning it.

Since permanence has been on my mind, Brandon and I are finally getting our Hedwig tattoos tonight. Of course, I'll be getting the one with the green eye and he'll get the blue. I'm excited. We've been talking about doing this for ten years. It's taken me that long to decide I want one. This is his fourth.


You think that luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
up in the sky but air.
And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
that can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.
So when you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.

-Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Wicked Little Town

Monday, November 08, 2010


My blog is officially 4 years old today. She and I have been through a lot, and she's always been there, willing to let me type out into even lines the swirlings in my head. We stayed public for a long time before switching to private and then semi-private. Going back and re-reading comments from people I love has been really heartwarming. What would I have done without these amazing people? What wonderful people I know.

Totally getting some OJ and a z-pack on my lunch.

Silver lining update: strep gets you out of social events you really didn't wanna do. At least it feels like strep, but I do work with the public and it's flu season. My throat's so swollen I can barely speak and my fever's high enough to make me feel all swimmy.

I really wish the things I imagine would sometimes really happen. Example: that all my coworkers suddenly start dancing their way through their duties in a synchronized manner to "Sixteen Tons."

Since catching any kind of sickness could literally kill my grandmother, I'm staying at Brandon's again tonight. He feels bad about being so harsh yesterday (even though he's totally right), and has promised to do a Redbox run and make me dinner. So as soon as I get out of work, I'm driving over there, pounding some Nyquil, and shaking this.

Tracey's sick, too. We've begun a plague.

In other news, last night Brandon and I viewed the Night of the Demons remake (starring Edward Furlong and Shannon Elizabeth *snicker*) and Kick-Ass, which he had seen and I hadn't.

NotD: soooo fun. A lot glossier and slicker than the original, of course, and it's impossible to take Shannon Elizabeth seriously in any capacity. Some of the darkness that made the original memorable in a stream of early 80's horror is definitely lost, but there are a few stellar gross-outs and a couple really good pieces of comedic dialougue. It's a little better than the run-of-the-mill slasher we've gotten used to in recent years, and if you go into it knowing what it is, you'll really enjoy it.

Kick-Ass: Oh, my Zod. This was so better than I thought it would be! I'm not sure what I was expecting. But it was pretty clever and it made me want to put on a cape. Nic Cage is a guy I take with a grain of salt sometimes (see: Knowing), but I appreciated his turn in this movie. I mean, his heart was obviously in it. This is a dude who named his real-life son after a DC Comics character, (yeah, I know, Kick-Ass is published by Marvel. That's not the point.) which I can respect, even if I think he could have picked a better name from those pages...Alan Scott has a nice "El" or "Al" sound without veering into ridiculous, for example, and people would totally get the reference, right? But I guess he's ok with little Kal-El taking some guff on the playground. I digress. I was particularly impressed with Chloe Moretz, who got more game in one nunchuck than I got...anywhere. Overall, I really enjoyed it, and I'm not even irritated about them recycling John Murphy's kickass (hehe) score from 28 Days Later. In fact, I'm glad I was reminded about it, because I had taken it off my iPod and I want it back on now.

That's it. I'm gonna sit still for awhile so I don't pass out. This fever is downright trippy.

It's strep. Tracey went to the doc and confirmed. So yeah, I'm going to the clinic as soon as I get out of here to get a shot. Then I'm going to Brandon's, who still works at the hospital and doesn't mind being exposed to my germs.

Sunday, November 07, 2010


Fine. In light of this weekend's conversations and in trying to to avoid that icky feeling of requited lust and unrequited sweetness, I'm shopping local. I've accepted a date with ___*, a nice young man I met on Friday and who tracked me down on Facebook to ask me what kind of movies I like. I respect confidence. He's...nice. I don't know much about him yet, and I'm trying not to write him off based solely on the fact that he's really, really into sports. You never know!

I just can't wait on anyone anymore. And Brandon's right: I set myself up for impossible situations so I don't have to invest much. It's a defense mechanism that doesn't work, because I still get hurt.

Regarding BC, the most important thing is to maintain our friendship.

Regarding all the activity and projects and side projects, Brandon's right on that, too. And so is Tamara...ok, we're all in agreement that I need to slow down a bit. Because a lot of what I do isn't because I'm that interested.

*Name removed for privacy. And because I'm kinda embarassed about it now.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

It's going to be 30 degrees and rainy tomorrow night.

Seafood Chowder (slightly modified for formerly overly curvacious bankers who like hearing "OMG you're getting so skinny!")

1 1/2 cups fat free milk
1 (8 ounce) container fat free cream cheese
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 (26 ounce) can fat free condensed cream of mushroom soup
1 cup chopped green onions
1 cup sliced carrots
1 (15.25 ounce) can whole kernel corn, undrained
1 1/2 cups chopped potatoes
1 teaspoon dried parsley
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
1/2 pound shrimp
1/2 pound bay scallops
1/2 pound crabmeat 1/2 pound calamari tubes
1 (6.5 ounce) can chopped clams

Place 1/2 cup milk, cream cheese, and garlic in a large pot over low heat. Cook and stir until blended. Mix in soup, green onions, carrots, corn with liquid, potatoes, parsley, and remaining milk. Season with black pepper and cayenne pepper. Simmer 25 minutes. Do not boil.
Mix the shrimp, scallops, crabmeat, calamari, and clams, and continue cooking 10 minutes, or until seafood is opaque.

Nothing too impressive or complicated about it, but it promises to be delicious amd soothing. I plan to whip it up, bake some fresh herb bread, and nestle in front of something spooky.

I've lost my ability to blog in essay form. Eff perfect paragraphs.

1) I got good and pissed and sent a scathing response text to the Engineer, who is again nameless on this blog and elsewhere in my life. I told him not to pull that again, and that what happened between us wasn't special and neither is he. I'm ignoring all communication henceforth. It's time for this shit to be done. Clearly I've been on his mind, and clearly, he still hasn't figured out how to confront what's in his own head well enough to be a big boy about it. Eff him.

2) The system at work that I figured wouldn't be that big a deal has turned everyone at work into lady-raptors. I've made two mistakes, one noteworthy. But it's been corrected (and in fact had been corrected by myself before anyone else even noticed it), and once again the only people bringing it up are the people who need to shush and concentrate on their own jobs before our boss busts out a flaming sword of rightful disciplinaries. Eff them.

3) I'm no longer being coy and wishy-washy with people I care about. If it quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. That duck may not be addressed or titled at this time, but it is what it is, and it's kinda jerkish to continue not naming the puppy. It doesn't make sense, but it feels good. Eff rationality.

4) Maybe it would be healthy to learn how to vent to the friends in my everyday life rather than keep on a happy face all the time. Eff stoicism.

5) Naaaah. Eff openness.

6) Tonight I'm taking up ___* offer to hang after work. I need to get outside my head for a minute. I've been writing, reeling about yesterday's drama (great title for an emo poem), and I'm over the blue. I think. Eff bad moods.

7) Yay for everyone who voted! Eff apathy.

8) I feel the urge to cook something complicated and impressive, and will be scouring the internet for such a recipe. Eff calorie-stressing (for today).

*This post inspired by Bill, who suggested I just say "Eff it" regarding everything. I'm giving it a whirl in lieu of slamdancing, which he also suggested.

*Name removed due to fraternization policies.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010


To make it short, last night Michael sent me a slew (like, 30) text messages detailing how he misses me, has to see me, and how "what we shared transcends time." He also begged to drive the hour to come see me, and then suggested we get together for dinner the next night. I haven't heard from him since the last time we made a huge, ridiculous mess out of our initial potential perfection (a couple months ago). It took me several texts last night to figure out he was sloshed. I told him I didn't think his girlfriend would approve, to which he responded, characteristically, "I do what I want". I told him I didn't think he should drive anywhere in his condition, but that I'd meet him for dinner the next night.

This morning, he sent a couple of texts basically taking it all back. This is karma paying me back for all the times I've said something I didn't mean while under the influence.

I'm finding it hard to breathe. I've barely thought about him lately, and that was awesome. For him to bust back into my head like this is inexcusable. I loved this man. Why? I can't even remember right now, but I know I did and when he said he knew I was The One, I accepted that blindly and then when it ended I had to force myself to get out of bed for a long time. And today all that came back.

Then I got out of bed, went to work, and that was a fresh hell.

Thank God for hot&sour soup and Bill Corbin, because nothing else today made me smile. Except maybe this text from Brandon:

"Un*&^ingbelievable. I could seriously kill that man for you. I really, really hope that somehow he meets an accident wherein an unlubed zebra hoof is shoved up his ass."