A quest to make sense of it all. Or a sense to make a quest of it all.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Amor fati. -Nietzsche




"What I believe, Mr. Baker, is that this is all far from over. " Roman Strauss, Dead Again


This movie, Dead Again, had quite an impact on me when I was in elementary school. Yes, my parents let me watch in in 4th grade, but what my parents have always allowed me to view and read is another post entirely. It not only triggered a lifelong obsession with 40's culture and an intense celebricrush on sexy-if-lipless Kenneth Branagh, it introduced me to the concept of renicarnation as a possibility. I fell deeply in love with both Roman and Margaret, and my young mind was fascinated by the concept that there could be someone for me who was predestined, someone I had not quite gotten it right with the first or second time around. Not necessarily a lover or a partner. Even just friends. People whose spirits were so entertwined with my own that death couldn't or wouldn't keep us from hanging together in the next life. Brandon, for example.

I've believed for some time that there are no coincidences.

*sigh* To be continued. For real. I'm not letting this go, it's taken hold.
Continuation 2/26:
Brandon, for example. Some people you meet, you get to know for awhile, you hang out, and after awhile you consider them good friends. You develop a bond over time, but you know deep down that if they faded from your life you might be a little hurt but not deeply so. Then there are the people you meet and it's like a lightning bolt; instant connection. You're friends from day one and it isn't long until you realize that if they were not in your life, you would be keenly aware of a missing presence. You "get" each other. You see each other at best and at worst and you love them for all of it, even if there are times you don't even like them. You will fight, and it will hurt, but you know you will eventually set things right because your relationship is just meant to be in existence. There is the knowledge that whatever happens, you will work it out.
Brandon and I met nearly (*sigh*) ten years ago, in high school. I had never seen this kid before. It was day one of AP English, and he sat two seats in front of me. I sat there, watching him and noticing that he would laugh to himself over things the teacher said, and not laugh at the things everyone else did. For some inexplicable reason, I jotted down a horribly rude, offensive note and passed it to him: "Are you gay? I'm just wondering because my gaydar is totally going off." I passed it to him and watched his ears redden as he read it. He turned around to me, slack-jawed and horrified. Then he smiled and asked the guy in front of me to switch seats with him. We struck up a note-conversation. A best-friendship was born. We quickly discovered that we felt the same about movies, music, politics, religion, and Mrs. Hardin. Words can't describe the connection. I've only felt it so strong one other time, and I'm still seeing how that pans out.
It pops up, just like that. Rarely so strong, but it happens. Megan, for example. And I'm not terribly close with Bill, but I do feel like I can tell him stuff and it's possible that we were chess partners a hundred years ago or something. Something tells me we will be close, in time. Megan...we basically share a brain. Even when I don't talk to her for a couple weeks, I have a pretty good idea what's going on with her. That may very well be because of the intuition in our bloodlines (we are first cousins). For example, this text exchange from 2/28:
Megan: how ya doin?
Sarah: good. laying beside Michael, reading, waiting for him to wake up so we can go to breakfast.
Megan: are ya'll ok?
Sarah: we're friends.
Megan: aw, no. im sorry, man. why are you sleeping together?
Sarah: it's my choice to be friends. and i'm NOT sleeping with him. just sleeping in the same bed. i think itll be fine. he's helping me move today. because we're friends.
Megan: thats nice of him. good friend. is his arm around you?
Sarah: it is. you and i have been quiet lately
Megan: i'm guessing some sort of emotional trauma on both ends
Sarah: something like that. more of an emotional shutdown than trauma here. its a process. im changing gears.
Megan: wish i could change gears.
Sarah: anxious enough to reupholster the furniture for no reason? i'm about to start howling and tearing down the blinds
Megan: you need to come up here so we can go to BWW
Sarah: its a plan. i dont really have much to say about my situation anymore but you can bitch all you want
Megan: as long as the bud ice holds out
Sarah: ewww! newcastle all the way
Megan: newcastle? i bet you got plenty left to say about your situation
Sarah: next friday? if i can stay then that'd be good. i've got a birthday party to go to in memphis saturday night.
Megan: bring it. i'll be waiting on your ass all week. cant wait.
3/1
Michael and I discussed reincarnation and fate the other night on my couch. Man, I love listening to him talk. Getting him going on something like that and just hearing that mind work is one of my favorite things, up there with sunflower seeds and reading. We did not solve the mysteries of the Universe that night. We did decide that we are in favor of the idea of life being unscripted, but that we are given certain predetermined plot elements to work with. People, events, etc. We still choose how to react to these things, and we are fully capable of mucking everything up for ourselves. But some people, we are just supposed to meet and some things, we are just supposed to experience.
We are, of course, full of malarkey and speculation. It's fun, though, speculating with him. On my couch.

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