A quest to make sense of it all. Or a sense to make a quest of it all.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Amor fati. -Nietzsche

"What I believe, Mr. Baker, is that this is all far from over. " Roman Strauss, Dead Again

This movie, Dead Again, had quite an impact on me when I was in elementary school. Yes, my parents let me watch in in 4th grade, but what my parents have always allowed me to view and read is another post entirely. It not only triggered a lifelong obsession with 40's culture and an intense celebricrush on sexy-if-lipless Kenneth Branagh, it introduced me to the concept of renicarnation as a possibility. I fell deeply in love with both Roman and Margaret, and my young mind was fascinated by the concept that there could be someone for me who was predestined, someone I had not quite gotten it right with the first or second time around. Not necessarily a lover or a partner. Even just friends. People whose spirits were so entertwined with my own that death couldn't or wouldn't keep us from hanging together in the next life. Brandon, for example.

I've believed for some time that there are no coincidences.

*sigh* To be continued. For real. I'm not letting this go, it's taken hold.
Continuation 2/26:
Brandon, for example. Some people you meet, you get to know for awhile, you hang out, and after awhile you consider them good friends. You develop a bond over time, but you know deep down that if they faded from your life you might be a little hurt but not deeply so. Then there are the people you meet and it's like a lightning bolt; instant connection. You're friends from day one and it isn't long until you realize that if they were not in your life, you would be keenly aware of a missing presence. You "get" each other. You see each other at best and at worst and you love them for all of it, even if there are times you don't even like them. You will fight, and it will hurt, but you know you will eventually set things right because your relationship is just meant to be in existence. There is the knowledge that whatever happens, you will work it out.
Brandon and I met nearly (*sigh*) ten years ago, in high school. I had never seen this kid before. It was day one of AP English, and he sat two seats in front of me. I sat there, watching him and noticing that he would laugh to himself over things the teacher said, and not laugh at the things everyone else did. For some inexplicable reason, I jotted down a horribly rude, offensive note and passed it to him: "Are you gay? I'm just wondering because my gaydar is totally going off." I passed it to him and watched his ears redden as he read it. He turned around to me, slack-jawed and horrified. Then he smiled and asked the guy in front of me to switch seats with him. We struck up a note-conversation. A best-friendship was born. We quickly discovered that we felt the same about movies, music, politics, religion, and Mrs. Hardin. Words can't describe the connection. I've only felt it so strong one other time, and I'm still seeing how that pans out.
It pops up, just like that. Rarely so strong, but it happens. Megan, for example. And I'm not terribly close with Bill, but I do feel like I can tell him stuff and it's possible that we were chess partners a hundred years ago or something. Something tells me we will be close, in time. Megan...we basically share a brain. Even when I don't talk to her for a couple weeks, I have a pretty good idea what's going on with her. That may very well be because of the intuition in our bloodlines (we are first cousins). For example, this text exchange from 2/28:
Megan: how ya doin?
Sarah: good. laying beside Michael, reading, waiting for him to wake up so we can go to breakfast.
Megan: are ya'll ok?
Sarah: we're friends.
Megan: aw, no. im sorry, man. why are you sleeping together?
Sarah: it's my choice to be friends. and i'm NOT sleeping with him. just sleeping in the same bed. i think itll be fine. he's helping me move today. because we're friends.
Megan: thats nice of him. good friend. is his arm around you?
Sarah: it is. you and i have been quiet lately
Megan: i'm guessing some sort of emotional trauma on both ends
Sarah: something like that. more of an emotional shutdown than trauma here. its a process. im changing gears.
Megan: wish i could change gears.
Sarah: anxious enough to reupholster the furniture for no reason? i'm about to start howling and tearing down the blinds
Megan: you need to come up here so we can go to BWW
Sarah: its a plan. i dont really have much to say about my situation anymore but you can bitch all you want
Megan: as long as the bud ice holds out
Sarah: ewww! newcastle all the way
Megan: newcastle? i bet you got plenty left to say about your situation
Sarah: next friday? if i can stay then that'd be good. i've got a birthday party to go to in memphis saturday night.
Megan: bring it. i'll be waiting on your ass all week. cant wait.
Michael and I discussed reincarnation and fate the other night on my couch. Man, I love listening to him talk. Getting him going on something like that and just hearing that mind work is one of my favorite things, up there with sunflower seeds and reading. We did not solve the mysteries of the Universe that night. We did decide that we are in favor of the idea of life being unscripted, but that we are given certain predetermined plot elements to work with. People, events, etc. We still choose how to react to these things, and we are fully capable of mucking everything up for ourselves. But some people, we are just supposed to meet and some things, we are just supposed to experience.
We are, of course, full of malarkey and speculation. It's fun, though, speculating with him. On my couch.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Why is John Mayer being called a racist? And why does anyone care? Sometimes I get so sick of all this shallow celebrity nonsense, all the ads and the glitter, the insistence that these people are somehow worth more than anyone else, I just wanna pack it up and move to the mountains. In my Uggs and my Wayfarer sunglasses and my knockoff True Religions, listening to my iPod and missing the internet. Heh. Guess I'm just as glossy as the rest of it.

No, no, that's not true. And I'll defend myself, here. The Uggs were a gift. I love them and they keep my feet cozy and I think they'll last a long time. The knockoff jeans make my tail look passable as my body reshapes itself. My iPod is necessary for my survival, as I will shrivel up and die a horrible death without my music. The internet...well, I could live without. It would mightily suck at first, but I could do it. Really, the only thing I feel a little residual guilt over is the Wayfarers. It's utterly ridiculous to spend more than $5 on sunglasses...but, oooh, they're so dark and sleek and that Buddy Holly frame just rocks for this Parson facial structure. They make me feel hip and knowledgable, and they do a damn fine job of blocking out the blinding rays I encounter when heading east on 72 at 7 a.m.

Why the need to impress? Why at all? Got me. But its inescapable and everyone succumbs to it.

Ok, I just got distracted by exciting news about Corinthian history and I have to chew on that for awhile. I'll come back to this later.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Looking up even more.

When nothing is owed, deserved or expected
and your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone you're never rejected
Decide what to be, and go be it- The Avett Brothers, Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise

I just can't stop listening to these guys.


Maybe my special friend will find a way to congratulate me Saturday. I'm so happy about this, I can barely sit still.

A general recap.

Points of interest:

*Valentine's was fantastic. Michael and I went out to Huey's, where I had never been. There was the option of getting dolled up and going somewhere fancy, but it didn't appeal to either of us and I've been craving a burger. So that's what we did. Then we went to a bar for a few beers, and then met up with Megan and Keith at Hooter's for fried pickles and more beer. On the ride home, I fell in love with Unkle. Back at the house, there was Bernie Mac and lovin' (not at the same time). All in all, a great evening. The next morning, we went out to Perkin's for breakfast with his mom and dad. His mom asked me to be her flea-market buddy. (Aww!)It was my first time meeting his dad, but I think he liked me. He's kinda hard to read, but he did give me bacon off his own plate after the waitress forgot mine. That's gotta be a good sign, right? A man giving up bacon? When we got back from breakfast, Michael fixed my brakes and my taillight. While he was at Autozone, I talked with his mom for awhile. We fawned over decorator catalogs and discovered that both she and my mother have a thing about collecting glassware. Neat. When the car was fixed, Michael and I napped and stuff. It was divine.

*There is a new position open in my company that I've been encouraged to apply for. It's basically a floater position, where I would go between the four Corinth branches, filling in as needed for people who are on vacation and such. When no one is on vacation, I'll have a home base. I won't be just a teller, but also a financial services rep, which means that I'll handle the opening and maintenance of accounts, including CDs, IRAs, etc. I think it sounds great. It gets pretty slow at this little drive through and I think I would be happier with more to do and more responsibility. The raise doesn't hurt, either. So I applied and HR told me I'll know something by the end of the week. I really hope I get it. If I do, I'll have a week of FSR training at the headquarters in Jackson, MS. That's where I did my teller training back in October, and I absolutely loved it. That week was wonderful. Part of it was being able to get away and kinda pretend I was single. Not whoring it up or anything. Just getting out of class and exploring the city, taking my sweet time about eating Indian food or sushi, and taking as long as I damn well pleased about shopping.

(About that trip. I think that was the tipping point for me. When I knew I genuinely did not want to be with Luke at all, that I was totally satisfied with being on my own and that I was happier without him around. I was considering all this on the 5 hour drive home, during which time we got into a fight. We kinda made up, and I got home to find...nothing. Now, this stung. This was the first time I had made this kind of solo trip (other than to California, and that's totally different since I go to visit family). It was a big deal to me. So was the drive home through a huge thunderstorm system, which he knows terrifies me. So I get home tired and a little rattled and he barely glances up from his video game. The house is an absolute wreck. Then he has the nerve to ask me about dinner. Seriously. He should have planned that shit. Even if we were just gonna go to Pizza Hut. Honestly, a real husband would have maybe straightened a little and had dinner taken care of. But he wasn't a real husband, and I wasn't a real wife, and his attitude toward my homecoming showed me that he didn't give any more of a damn about being away from me than I did about being away from him. We separated two weeks later. )

*Last night I was driving out in Farmington and I happened upon a litter of puppies that had been dumped on the side of the road. I turned around and went back. Of course, the car was long gone, but the puppies were still there. They were pretty skittish and I could only catch one. I brought him back to the house. Now I'm concocting a scheme to keep him. His working title is Larry. I kinda wanted to name him Jack because he has a white stripe on his nose, but Jack is one of the names I'm considering for a future human son. I've always liked that name.

*Dad's lecture on the Holly Springs raid went very well. I learned a lot. He's so good at what he does, so he can make any subject interesting for anyone. Most Civil War historians are as exciting as, well, accountants. But Dad makes it a story. Good stuff. There was a great turnout.

*It's supposed to be 55 on Friday. Mmmhmm. And it's 70 in Ventura today. This is going to be a difficult California visit, but at least I can sit in the sun and listen to the waves. If I close my eyes right now I can almost smell the harbor, and Aunt Linda's boat. It always smells like fresh quality coffee and a little bit like sauteed garlic. They start out every cooking adventure with it, so it makes sense.

*This grapefruit isn't going to cut it. I crave eggs. And maybe steak.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Friday, February 12, 2010


Michael sent me flowers today (at work, because that's how smart men do it). Beautiful, beautiful roses.

I can't believe how awesome he is. A good soul about that kid. It's my intention to never take that quality for granted.

An hour later a box of chocolate was delivered.
An hour after that, the balloons showed up.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Ah, Valentines.

This, the Hoodie-Footie, is being advertised on television as being comfortable, fun, and sexy.


Bwahahahahaha! Look at that thing! The only way to make this less attractive is to have that girl carry around a teddy bear.

Man. Everything about this commercial irritated me. It's worse than the other Valentine's Day commercials. It's for a company called Pajamagram, where you send your special lady gifts sets in the mail containing (you guessed it!) pajamas...and bath salts, oils, potions, etc. Direct quote: "All the spa stuff that women just love!!"
What a perfect idea for the man who has no effing clue who his woman really is. "Umm...she has a vagina. She must love overly lavender-scented cheap bath gel that will probably give her a rash and then it will sit under the bathroom counter because she doesn't want to throw it away but will never, ever use it again. She's a chick. Chicks dig that spa stuff."

No, thanks. I like my own soap and I got over gift sets sometime around eighth grade (though my ex husband was a big fan of giving them to me anyway up to and including last year...the rose-scented was particularly atrocious and eventually ate through the bottle. I don't hold it aginst him because it was hilarious.). I'm only semi- interested in jewelry because if its not on my ring finger it doesn't mean much, and I have as much use for a stuffed animal as I do for a sack of cat hair. No traditional Valentine's stuff for me. I want real things, like kisses and heartfelt words. This year, I want to go out and have some laughs with my boo and then kick it in his room and watch Family Guy in non-footed pajamas.

Chocolate's real, too. The kind with nuts and caramel. Not the kind with nougat, 'cause that's gross.

Monday, February 08, 2010


Whatever is in my parents' house has been...activated. I wouldnt say its a ghost, but there's something there and I think Michael stirred it up. Whatever it is, it doesn't like him. I've been a little creeped out since then, and I feel depressed even though there's no reason to be. It's a heavy feeling. On Saturday, Michael and I decided it felt like an unhappy female. Then I heard that the landlord's son used to live in the house and that he was an alcoholic and caught his wife cheating on him there. So some bad stuff went down, for sure. I'm thinking the bad vibes from all of that just kinda got stuck there.


Friday, February 05, 2010

That was nice.

Last night, I did absolutely nothing. I didn't go out, I didn't have anyone over. I only answered my phone from Brandon, Michael, and Mom. Since it was raining llamas and there's a sweet skylight in the upstairs bathroom, I lit a candle and had a long hot bath, listening to the rain. Around 10:00, I made myself some macaroni and cheese, talked to my fella for a bit, and hit the hay.

It was wonderful. I had happy dreams and woke up with a catlike smile.

I think I'm gonna act like an old person more often.

And by the way, I cannot effing wait until tomorrow. Brandon's coming over tonight to hang out, and then tomorrow Michael's coming over. The plan is to have dinner and then go see American Aquarium in Sheffield. I loooove housesitting.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Fun with Texting. Heh.

Luke: Has my w-2 from dynamic come to our house?
Sarah: no, i havent seen it at MY house
S: why would it come here anyway? we had our mail going to moms. unless you requested it be mailed here.
L: can you check? arent you at home?
S: i wasnt at home last night. i'm on my way to work, i'll swing by and see if it came yesterday
L: ok
S: nope. no w-2. just an offer to enlarge your penis.
L: shouldn't be needing that
S: are you talking to me?
L: whats that supposed to mean?
S: nothing! i can hang on to it if you want to look at it.
S: there's a really smug-looking lion on the envelope. wonder what's he's so pleased about.
L: what?
S: i guess he has a lot of pride about something.
S: get it?? lion? pride?
L: no i get it its just not funny
S: it totally is
(3 hours later)
L: i dont like you throwing away my mail. keep that for me and i'll throw it away.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, etc. At least we can still josh each other.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

$400. $400. $400.

home sweet home
Originally uploaded by ladysarahsaint

Forgot how much I love Mark Knopfler.

Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
And I bet, and you exploded into my heart
And I forget the movie song
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet? -Dire Straits, Romeo and Juliet

Really, Phil? Six more weeks of this misery? I demand a do-over.

Oh, I know. You don't have any control over it. You just read it as you see it. I'm not really irritated with you, Phil. I'm irritated about lots of things that ordinarily wouldn't be getting under my skin. I'm pretty sure I have a tetch of Seasonal Affective Disorder, whose acronym is...wait....wait for it....that's right. SAD. Haha! Seriously though, I'm sick of the gloom. I need some heat and some sunshine!