A quest to make sense of it all. Or a sense to make a quest of it all.

Monday, December 28, 2009

It's been stuck in my psyche for days.

I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I went and let you blow my mind -Train, Hey Soul Sister

What a whirlwind of holiday activity. My world has been thoroughly overturned lately, and I'm so into it I can barely sit still. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, who apparently felt sorry for me or something and loaded me up with presents the way they did when I was a kid. That didn't suck, and I'm now the proud owner of many things I'm loving, like a new sushi cookbook, a stand mixer, and several new movies. I went to a beautiful Christmas Eve candlelight service and took communion for the first time. It was a really beautiful experience and I'm glad I waited so long to do it. I was watching several families who were allowing their children to take it, and that seemed pretty pointless to me. Like baptizing a baby. (Now there's a custom I just don't understand. How exactly is sprinkling water on an unaware infant supposed to save them from...anything? Answer: it's not.) After the service, I went back to the folks' house to eat tacos and watch Christmas movies. It was such a pleasant evening, and it really was almost perfect. I was gearing up for a sad and lonely Christmas, but I surprised myself. Now that it's done with, I can confidently say that it was enough to be with people I love, and that I was worked up for nothing. I didn't miss Luke for a minute.
(Aside: "Just What I Needed" by The Cars just came on the radio! I can barely contain myself. This is such an awesome effing song!!)

I had to work that out and say it so that I could say this with clarity:
Head. Over. Heels.
I'm so into Michael, it's ridiculous. I had to test my feelings (or lack thereof) for Luke so I could be sure that I'm not just rebounding or trying to shape Michael to fill a gap. Now I know it's not like that. He's filling a gap, but it's one I wasn't even aware was there, because I don't think I ever really believed that I would meet someone so astoundingly perfect for me. It's like he's in my head. He just gets me the way my best friends do. He's sexy and warm and hilarious, and my God, what a brain on that kid (I say "kid", but he's actually almost seven years older than me). I'm so comfortable around him and I feel like I can talk to him about anything. This feels really good. There's no need to shape him or say, "He'll be fine once he matures some" or "he'll be fine once he does this or that or blahblahblah..." because he's fine now. He's better than fine. He talks about physics and religion in ways that showcase his blinding intelligence, but he is utterly devoid of pretention. More importantly than what he talks about or the insight he offers, is the way he talks to me, like his equal. Like he doesn't have to break it down for me or filter for me. He talks to me and looks at me like he really appreciates me and respects what I have to say.

This feels so good.

Aaand I'm out of time. To be continued.

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