A quest to make sense of it all. Or a sense to make a quest of it all.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Good grief.

A few minor occurances:

Luke and I have split up. How do I feel about that? *sigh* It's so big, I can't wrap up my feelings and put them in a conveniently labeled box. I have a lot I want to say sometimes, and other times I just want to roll my eyes and be done with the whole thing, like, yesterday. I'm trying to be as rational and grown up about it as possible, which has proven difficult a couple times. Overall, I'm doing ok. It gets lonely, and at times my mind is flooded with happy images and conversations and it's enough to wonder if I want him back...but I know in my heart that I don't. We clearly have our own issues and it's probably too much to ask that we help each other. That's what married people do, and we've made the decision not to be married anymore. Did we try our best? Hell, no. But I don't want someone who chooses simplicity over emotion. Life's too short to just go through the motions. Love is beautiful and messy and complicated and it breaks your heart. It can tear you down but at the same time it somehow it gives everything purpose that just isn't there otherwise. If you haven't experienced it, you're really missing out, and if you throw it away because it hurts sometimes or it's inconvenient, then you're an idiot.

Bottom line, if there is one, is that I've been sick and healthy and loved and abused throughout the course of my marriage. I've loved tremendously at times and not at all at others. I love now. I will go on and find better love. In that, I feel that I'm coming out better. The next time, maybe I'll know how to avoid some of the pitfalls. He's out there. The guy who is so smart and so funny and who I never have a hard time finding conversation with. The guy who appreciates my writing and enjoys reading on the couch at night and thinks I look great in a skirt and knee socks (because I do, and I enjoy sliding across the floor even if I fall down). The guy who wants to play and wrestle and let me win sometimes and who likes my cooking and thinks it's great that I want to know what his favorite cake is so I can bake it for him. He wants a kid someday and he likes big dogs. He likes metal and indie and Journey and he can tolerate when I go through folksy phases.

As long as I'm making him up, I like the name "Jeremy".

Anyway, I'm loving my job at the new bank. Well, new to me. It's a very established bank, an old bank. I like my customers and my coworkers, and of course I love the location. I've recently found out that they'll fund my education as long as it's in a related field. Just have to pay for the semester up front, maintain a B average or higher, and then they fully reimburse me. Since I still haven't paid off my last semester, I'll have to pay it off first from the earnings of my two jobs (I'm also a few hours here and there at the movie theater). I'll do it. May take awhile, but I'll get there.

It's almost Christmas. It's a time for miracles and forgiveness and merry hearts. Thank God. I'll take some merriment, if that's cool. Tonight after work, I'm going to set up my Christmas tree and decorate my house. There will be cider and Bing Crosby, and more importantly, my best friend. Brandon, you haven't always led me to the best decisions (haha!) but you've always been there and you've always understood me. Among what I love, you're at the top of the list, buddy.

That's outta my system now. Yay for Christmas!!

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