A quest to make sense of it all. Or a sense to make a quest of it all.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Intermission. Intercession. Intercourse. Interdigitate.

American Aquarium- Rosebud
I've never done this sort of thing and by your eyes, baby neither have you
but if you help me I'll help you
This stays between me and you, the broken pieces of a bigger lie
and the blood is on both our hands
Rosebud I know you want to take it slow, but when can I see you again?

Whatever deity is watching out for me, I just want you to know I'm trusting you here. I'm not even mad about the tail light or the brakes this morning. You got me home safely, so we're cool. I'm broke, but I'm not going to starve and you haven't let the power go out yet, so I don't think you will. I've got my health and my family, and that's all awesome. Really, all I'm asking is that I haven't made a mistake. I've gone and shared my heart and taken a leap of faith and I'm just hoping it doesn't backfire. But you wouldn't do that to ol' Sarah, would you?

I dunno. Kid Rock is on the radio right now. You're obviously in a playful mood.

Monday, December 28, 2009

It's been stuck in my psyche for days.

I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I went and let you blow my mind -Train, Hey Soul Sister


What a whirlwind of holiday activity. My world has been thoroughly overturned lately, and I'm so into it I can barely sit still. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, who apparently felt sorry for me or something and loaded me up with presents the way they did when I was a kid. That didn't suck, and I'm now the proud owner of many things I'm loving, like a new sushi cookbook, a stand mixer, and several new movies. I went to a beautiful Christmas Eve candlelight service and took communion for the first time. It was a really beautiful experience and I'm glad I waited so long to do it. I was watching several families who were allowing their children to take it, and that seemed pretty pointless to me. Like baptizing a baby. (Now there's a custom I just don't understand. How exactly is sprinkling water on an unaware infant supposed to save them from...anything? Answer: it's not.) After the service, I went back to the folks' house to eat tacos and watch Christmas movies. It was such a pleasant evening, and it really was almost perfect. I was gearing up for a sad and lonely Christmas, but I surprised myself. Now that it's done with, I can confidently say that it was enough to be with people I love, and that I was worked up for nothing. I didn't miss Luke for a minute.
(Aside: "Just What I Needed" by The Cars just came on the radio! I can barely contain myself. This is such an awesome effing song!!)

I had to work that out and say it so that I could say this with clarity:
Head. Over. Heels.
I'm so into Michael, it's ridiculous. I had to test my feelings (or lack thereof) for Luke so I could be sure that I'm not just rebounding or trying to shape Michael to fill a gap. Now I know it's not like that. He's filling a gap, but it's one I wasn't even aware was there, because I don't think I ever really believed that I would meet someone so astoundingly perfect for me. It's like he's in my head. He just gets me the way my best friends do. He's sexy and warm and hilarious, and my God, what a brain on that kid (I say "kid", but he's actually almost seven years older than me). I'm so comfortable around him and I feel like I can talk to him about anything. This feels really good. There's no need to shape him or say, "He'll be fine once he matures some" or "he'll be fine once he does this or that or blahblahblah..." because he's fine now. He's better than fine. He talks about physics and religion in ways that showcase his blinding intelligence, but he is utterly devoid of pretention. More importantly than what he talks about or the insight he offers, is the way he talks to me, like his equal. Like he doesn't have to break it down for me or filter for me. He talks to me and looks at me like he really appreciates me and respects what I have to say.

This feels so good.


Aaand I'm out of time. To be continued.

Fun with Texting, repost.

Megan: I hate the song "keep bleeding love" by leona lewis. I guarantee u that my dad could sing it better
Sarah: It's bad imagery
Megan: Especially if it were karaoke
Sarah: Sang by someone very drunk and suddenly revealing more intense feelings than her date suspected she had
Megan: Yikes! We would be singing "Shot in the dark" by Ozzy to our date

Friday, December 25, 2009

What am I getting myself into here?

What a beautiful face I have found in this place -NMH, In The Aeroplane Over The Sea

Why do I post this? Because I've recently been reminded of how completely in love with it I was. I've met someone amazing, whose name feels so right on my lips that saying it is like coming home. It's happening so fast. Probably not the smartest thing I could do, but it doesn't exactly feel stupid, either. We've talked and talked and texted and texted constantly...I think I'm really getting to know him and that this isn't some kind of awesome front he's putting on. I really hope so. The only people who make me laugh like this are Brandon and Megan, and they are my dearest friends on the planet. How can I not get invested in this sexy guy who makes me laugh so much and thinks I'm pretty and smart? I don't think it really hit me how into him I am until I realized that I didn't want to spend Christmas Eve without him.

Yeah, I know. Quick. Crazy quick.

I let him kiss me...twice.

Michael.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Oh, and...

I totally skipped out on the Shiloh Christmas party tonight. After only getting approximately an hour of sleep last night, the last thing I wanted to do was straighten my hair and pretend like I don't hate ___. *

So I've been kickin' it in my pajamas and watching stuff like Home Alone and Die Hard...which makes a damn fine evening.

*Name removed due to local politics.

Brrr!

There's a downside to losing 22 lbs in a month. It's being absolutely, painfully COLD! I am freezing my hiney off! Even my new Snuggie doesn't really help. The heater has to be cranked up to 80. I've even taken to sleeping in socks...sometimes. There's another downside: nothing fits right. It's a good thing none of my customers can see me from the waist down, because all my pants have taken a decidedly clownish look.

Not that I'm reeaalllly complaining.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Huh?

So I just watched Beyond The Sea, and all I've got is, "What the hell got into Kevin Spacey?"

This is one of the most unintentionally ridiculous movies I've ever seen.

Back to baking. It's my goal to make 10 pie crusts to have in the freezer, and I'm going to get going on the homemade goodies I'll be giving as gifts this year since flour and sugar are cheap and delicious (not unlike your mother).

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Good grief.

A few minor occurances:

Luke and I have split up. How do I feel about that? *sigh* It's so big, I can't wrap up my feelings and put them in a conveniently labeled box. I have a lot I want to say sometimes, and other times I just want to roll my eyes and be done with the whole thing, like, yesterday. I'm trying to be as rational and grown up about it as possible, which has proven difficult a couple times. Overall, I'm doing ok. It gets lonely, and at times my mind is flooded with happy images and conversations and it's enough to wonder if I want him back...but I know in my heart that I don't. We clearly have our own issues and it's probably too much to ask that we help each other. That's what married people do, and we've made the decision not to be married anymore. Did we try our best? Hell, no. But I don't want someone who chooses simplicity over emotion. Life's too short to just go through the motions. Love is beautiful and messy and complicated and it breaks your heart. It can tear you down but at the same time it somehow it gives everything purpose that just isn't there otherwise. If you haven't experienced it, you're really missing out, and if you throw it away because it hurts sometimes or it's inconvenient, then you're an idiot.

Bottom line, if there is one, is that I've been sick and healthy and loved and abused throughout the course of my marriage. I've loved tremendously at times and not at all at others. I love now. I will go on and find better love. In that, I feel that I'm coming out better. The next time, maybe I'll know how to avoid some of the pitfalls. He's out there. The guy who is so smart and so funny and who I never have a hard time finding conversation with. The guy who appreciates my writing and enjoys reading on the couch at night and thinks I look great in a skirt and knee socks (because I do, and I enjoy sliding across the floor even if I fall down). The guy who wants to play and wrestle and let me win sometimes and who likes my cooking and thinks it's great that I want to know what his favorite cake is so I can bake it for him. He wants a kid someday and he likes big dogs. He likes metal and indie and Journey and he can tolerate when I go through folksy phases.

As long as I'm making him up, I like the name "Jeremy".

Anyway, I'm loving my job at the new bank. Well, new to me. It's a very established bank, an old bank. I like my customers and my coworkers, and of course I love the location. I've recently found out that they'll fund my education as long as it's in a related field. Just have to pay for the semester up front, maintain a B average or higher, and then they fully reimburse me. Since I still haven't paid off my last semester, I'll have to pay it off first from the earnings of my two jobs (I'm also a few hours here and there at the movie theater). I'll do it. May take awhile, but I'll get there.

It's almost Christmas. It's a time for miracles and forgiveness and merry hearts. Thank God. I'll take some merriment, if that's cool. Tonight after work, I'm going to set up my Christmas tree and decorate my house. There will be cider and Bing Crosby, and more importantly, my best friend. Brandon, you haven't always led me to the best decisions (haha!) but you've always been there and you've always understood me. Among what I love, you're at the top of the list, buddy.

That's outta my system now. Yay for Christmas!!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Limbo

Since we won't be going to Pennsylvania immediately if we go at all now, I've taken a new job. It's a different bank, and I'm really looking forward to it. In that year that I didn't blog at all, I worked for a growing retail bank. That was fun for a little while, but there was a heavy emphasis on marketing that I just didn't care for. This new job is strictly teller work, and it's an 8-5 with weekends and holidays, which is awesome. If we stay, and its looking like we probably will after yesterday's discussion, it'll be a perfect job to have while going to school at night. I wasn't able to at the last place because my hours were everywhere and I never had the same weekly schedule. I start the new one today. Details at 6.

Here's hoping.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Decisions.

It would be awesome if a decision could be reached.

Regarding anything, really.

In the meantime, I've got some laundry to do and a (just over) halfway- written book to be finished. This one may actually reach the "The End" that's eluded me for years, if I can quit tooling around Facebook and yammering on the phone.

P.S. Luke, please take me to Pennsylvania already.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Over A Year

There's so much to be happy about, so much to be excited about. So many changes, new houses, new jobs, a possible huge move to the North.

Really, what I feel as I look over the past year and gear up for the next one in an entirely new climate where I will know only one person, what's on my mind the most are the things I have to atone for. I want so very much to sit down and talk to the people I've let down, if they'll let me. How can you say sorry to people who have cut you out? How can you cut out someone who just wants a shot at making it right, or at least civil? What I've learned here, besides the obvious (don't eff up), is to always listen when someone wants to apologize. Even if I'm angry as hell, even if I've decided I don't want them around anymore, I will give them the chance to apologize. Denying someone that chance is cruel, and while I'm made up of a great many negative adjectives, "cruel" is not one of those.

Anyway, Luke and I are staying with Mom and Dad until The Big Move North. It's...an experience. We stay upstairs most of the time. It's odd moving in somewhere were you're unintentionally all up in other people's business. We try to fit in it (ie, no swearing in front of preachers, no drinking, no loud noises,etc) and it generally works. We all just sort of know it's coming though. One of Luke's friends will say something scandalous. Luke will play his videogames louder and louder until mom buys a gun. I will stay quiet and slip around with my laptop, completely staying out of the way, until someone gets offended and declares me uppity. And then I will launch into a rant about the impossibilty of writing anything remotely creative or sincere or profound while having to endure barking poodles and bellowing fathers and cattiness abut laundry. (Since I invoked the word "creativity" as it refers to writing, I am also invoking a black beret to wear during this rant). And then the house will explode.

Seriously, if we can just keep it together a couple more months, everything will be ok and the US Army will be packing us for Pennsylvania.