A quest to make sense of it all. Or a sense to make a quest of it all.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Having recently gone off the deep end, to put it delicately, into an obsessive world of weight loss and beautification, I decided last night to add a new element: tingle tanning lotion.


Now keep in mind that I'm a sporadic tanner. I buy a package, go until I've got a borderline amazing tan, then just kinda taper off. I hadn't gone in a few weeks, but I had been meaning to. A few nights ago at WalMart, I found myself staring at the legs of the girl in front of me. Long, slim, set off to perfection in white running short-shorts, they were an enviably gorgeous bronze. I was smitten. With her color.
Societal norms be damned, I stepped forward. Feeling like the biggest, whitest dork in the world and struggling to keep my arms around my new beauty products and family-size package of raw tilapia, I said, "Hi, this probably sounds really creepy, but do you use a tanning lotion? I've gotta know, 'cause I need to get really tan really fast. Do you use anything?" The golden angel, mercifully, didn't seem disturbed by my question and told me that she uses Bomb Shell lotion, and warned me that it's crazy hot but works fast. Ok.
So last night I went swimming and then received a satisfying ass-kicking from the elliptical machine, then hit my tanning salon. I strolled up to the counter, eager to purchase the magic concotion that would have me looking like I just got back from Mexico tomorrow morning. I told Lisa (the owner) what I wanted, and she actually snickered.
"No way, Sarah. That stuff's intense, and you've almost totally lost your base tan. You'll be crying. I won't sell it to you right now."
"Well... is there anything less painful I could try? Something with a bronzer?"
"Uh, if you REALLY want one with a tingle, try the Firestorm. It's not as rough, but you'll definitely see a difference fast."
"I'll take it!"
"Ok, but you know our policy on returns for lotions. No can do. You sure?"

I made the purchase, grabbed the goggles and charged into room #4. I slathered on the lotion and jumped into the tanning bed, anxious for the process to begin. It was like a first date. Would this go well? Would I regret it? The lights kicked on.
For about 10 minutes.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I talked Lisa into letting me stay in for 15, despite the fact that I hadn't been there in weeks, claiming that I'm not ray-sensitive. Mistake. Right as the 10-minute mark passed, I started feeling... a tingle. It started on my chest, and then continued on to my legs and arms. Not bad, I thought. Piece of cake. Doesn't hurt. A minute later, I was biting my lip. Two minutes later, I was doing lamaze breathing. Three minutes later, I issued a whimper. Four minutes later OH SWEET LORD WILL THIS EVER END OH MY, OH MY BODY IS ON FIRE!!!!MAKE IT END I THINK THIS THING'S BROKEN AND I'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR THREE HOURS DOESN'T ANYONE CARE?? I'M SURELY CHARRING TO A CRISP AND OWWWW!! OW, OW, OW! ...

The bed turned off and I jumped out, sure that my skin was crackling and falling off. The pain subsided immediately but did not disappear. I went home and, as Lisa advised, did not shower for an hour. When the hour had passed, I confidently stepped into the shower and immediately began lathering up with my favorite pink pouf.

My parents heard my yowls over the Les Miserables (stage) DVD they were watching two rooms away, with surround sound.

I don't know whether it's just the lotion, or if I'm burnt, or both. I do know that everytime I tried to turn over in bed last night, I felt like little spiders with tiny razor blades were attacking my legs and giggling. And now I have this bottle of deadly lotion that I don't know what to do with. Maybe I'll try it again after I re-achieve a base tan (without lotion, thankyouverymuch). Or maybe I'll take it out in a field somewhere and shoot it.


Anonymous said...

I laughed my ass off reading this post. Then I read it out loud to Alicia and she laughed her ass off. What a great post!

That said, the first and only time I used a tingle lotion was a mistake. I used to just buy samples when I couldn't afford a bottle and was out. One time the lady evilly sold me one with tingle without making me aware of it. Or maybe she just didn't know. But my honky ass didn't even make it into the bed. I undressed and slathered it on. And before I even finished my legs my chest started burning. And then my stomach. And then I broke out into red, burny splotches all over me. I quickly redressed and ran back out to the counter, threw the sample on it and said, "Oh my god, I think I'm having a reaction to the lotion!" And she said, "No, it just has tingle in it. Some people react that way." I couldn't imagine how people could voluntarily invoke that kind of pain. I went home and sat in the bathtub crying. It was awful.

sarah saint said...


Yeah, I'm still a little sore today, but I am (a little) noticably tanner. I think. And I did break out into the splotches you describe. Thankfully, that was short-lived. This morning I read on the back of the bottle:

"Use of product immediately after exercise or bathing may intensify effect to temporarily intolerable."

Exercise? Check.
Immersion in water? Check.

Temporarily intolerable?? How can you even package something that could EVER be described as "intolerable"? Intolerable by whose standards? Damn.

theogeo said...

I don't fuck with the tingle anymore. I'm using something called Idol. It's got hemp in it. It smells like candy and it's nice and non-tingly. And it works like a champ.

So does this mean you're going to be all sunburned for your next conjugal visit? I sure hope not!

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, I forgot to make a suggestion, too. I used Australian Gold Browning Fury. It has a bronzer and smells amazing. It's actually a couple of steps down from what LT uses, and Idol is made by the same company. Idol also has cooler packaging.

sarah saint said...

No, I'm completely recovered today. No sunburn, thank goodness. I'm ready to go back today, sans tingle.

Idol or A.S. Browning Fury. Hmmm. I'll have to re-peruse the selection at my salon.

As much as I hate to admit it, I can see a big difference with the tingle stuff after just one use. It's just that the thought of the pain leaves me shaking and nauseated. That's all.

casey said...

This is so funny and sad at the same time! Move to florida we ahve the sun adn sand woowoo! But I must say too much if the combination and it can prove to be painful as well!